Spaniel vote Anthony Gardner

Who Would Matty Vote For?

As the General Election approaches, I find myself wondering which party would get the canine vote if it existed. Let’s consider the options.

  • Conservative Dogs are creatures of habit, which suggests an adherence to the status quo, and a food bank would be their idea of heaven. But as a senior citizen, Matty would worry about cuts to the NHS and social services.
  • Labour Ed Miliband’s supposed resemblance to Wallace in the Wallace and Gromit cartoons is a strong recommendation as far as dogs are concerned. They are losing sleep, however, about the prospect of the mansion tax being applied to their kennels.
  • Liberal Democrats Unfortunately Nick Clegg is perceived as a lame duck, and is therefore likely to be eaten for breakfast.
  • UKIP The introduction of pet passports was a hugely exciting development for dogs – so distancing Britain from Europe would not play well with them. Nor would they have much sympathy for politicians so intolerant of French poodles and German shepherds.
  • SNP A party which gives Scotties a disproportionate say in the running of the country would have the seat ripped out of its trousers by bulldogs and Irish wolfhounds.
  • Green Party Dogs feel an instinctive liking for any human who is obviously in tune with the natural world. But a lot of Greens are vegetarians, and therefore have to be regarded with suspicion.
  • DUP Unionism was long synonymous with a man in a dog collar, the late Dr Ian Paisley. Without him the party will find animal votes hard to attract.
  • Sinn Fein Gerry Adams’s muckers refuse to take any of the seats they win. Our four-legged friends have little time for a dog in a manger.

A Spaniel Moment’s Prediction 

A hung Parliament – preferably Aberdeen Angus, hung for 28 days and served on the bone.

Published by

Anthony Gardner

Anthony Gardner is an Irish author and journalist based in London. He edits the Royal Society of Literature’s magazine RSL and has written for a wide variety of British, Irish and American magazines and newspapers, including the Sunday Times Magazine, Intelligent Life and Slightly Foxed. He was previously deputy editor of Harpers & Queen

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